Things God Unites
a sermon based on Mark 10:2-16
Rev. Randy Quinn
In the summer of 1985, I was a
newly ordained Deacon in the United Methodist Church, living in a part of the
world I’d never seen before; doing things I’d never done before. That summer,
for instance, I found myself consecrating the elements for my “first
communion.” That summer I also conducted my first funeral. And then on August
31, I “did” my first wedding.
Larry and Mary were married in a
small building that couldn’t possibly hold more than 50 people – well, maybe 100
if you opened the doors to the fellowship hall and put out enough chairs, but
there weren’t that many chairs in the building!
Every person who attended the
wedding was a family member – except the pianist, who was a High School student
from one of the other churches I was serving at the time. Some were family of
the bride, some were family of the groom, including children and grandchildren
from previous marriages.
It was my first wedding; it was
his fifth and her fourth. They had seven previous marriages between them that
all ended in divorce.
They knew more about weddings than
I did, and I found myself learning from them. But while I hadn’t even met Ronda
yet, I was convinced I knew more about marriage than they did, and I like to
think they learned from me.
After that first experience, I
started telling couples “I don’t do weddings. I help start marriages.” And
with only one exception, I’ve been able to focus on the marriage while preparing
for the wedding. (The one exception was when the pastor, who was also the uncle
of the bride, got gravely ill the day before. They asked me to fill in an hour
before the wedding.)
I learned a lot about preparing
for marriage and weddings in that first year of being a pastor; I learned even
more about marriage after I met and married Ronda. And I’m still learning.
Some of what I’ve learned comes from my own experience. Some comes from books
I’ve read. Some comes from the stories of couples who have shared their stories
with me.
One of the things I’ve learned
about marriage that surprised me is that divorce never ends a marriage. It only
ends the legal status of the marriage. The emotional ties and the memories of
the marriage continue to live on and affect both parties, even if they re-marry.
In that sense, Jesus is right.
When someone who is divorced re-marries, it is a form of adultery (Mk.
10:11-12). I learned that first hand when I married Ronda. Like many others
before me and since then, I naively thought her former marriage was over.
But the memories and the shared
responsibilities of parenting prevented that from being true.
Early in our marriage, I thought
the relationship with her former husband would be over after their children were
grown, only to learn that his life was connected to ours through them – and now
through our grandchildren. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it will always
be a part of her life – and mine.
Divorce is not only a part of my
life it’s a part of most families. In fact, I can count on one hand the number
of times I’ve officiated at weddings where neither the bride nor the groom had
been married before and both sets of parents were still married to each other.
That’s less than 5% of the marriages I’ve helped start!
So when I read this text I find
myself asking the question so many couples find themselves asking, “Whose fault
is it? Who sinned?” Except when I ask the question, I don’t limit the sin to
one of the parties in the marriage. I also include the pastor who met with them
and the congregation who witnessed the wedding. (After all, the marriage
ceremony in our church asks those gathered, “Will all of you who are gathered
here, by God’s grace do everything in your power to uphold and care for these
two persons in their marriage?”)
Who sinned? The answer, of
course, is we all have.
In a familiar story found in
John’s gospel, Jesus is asked to determine the fate of a woman caught in the act
of adultery (Jn. 8:3-11). He begins by asking who among her accusers is without
sin. We don’t know who was there and we don’t know their stories, but I have a
few questions I want to ask:
·
Was the man involved in the affair present?
·
Was her husband?
·
Were there witnesses who did not try to stop it?
·
Were there people who didn’t want to become involved until it was
too late?
·
Do they all leave because they recognize their own contributions
to the failed marriage?
Of course we don’t know the answer
to any of those questions. What we know for sure is that Jesus turns to the
accused woman and says those words that we all find so comforting, “Neither do I
condemn you. Go and sin no more” (Jn. 8:11).
Go and sin no more.
That sounds like a parent telling
a child not to leave the door open again. It’s an impossible assignment. Every
child forgets to close doors – even some adults do! And no one here will ever
walk away and sin no more.
When Mark wrote his Gospel, he had
several stories to choose from, and I’m certain that some were not included in
his book. So two questions I use to help me understand the stories that are
included is to ask both, “Why is this story told?” and “Why did Mark put it in
this context?
Immediately after Jesus talks
about divorce – although it may be more accurate to say he spoke about marriage
since it was those around him who wanted to speak about divorce – immediately
after talking about divorce, why does Mark include a story about children? What
can we learn about both stories from their context?
After some reflection, I concluded
the two stories are connected in a rather simple way.
Most of us spend our childhood
trying to become adults. We want the independence and freedom to do what we
want to do without relying upon parents to tell us how to act. And when we grow
up, few of us remember that God still wants to be our parent. We all want to
“do our own thing.” We all want to “leave the doors open” without being
chastised for doing so.
That attitude is enough to destroy
any marriage. We cannot “do our own thing” and maintain a healthy and intimate
relationship with another person. The marriage of two people creates a new
entity, the couple; and the couple cannot exist for very long if the individuals
do not intentionally submit their will to the well-being of the couple.
Many people think the reason we
have so many failed marriages in our society is the lack of commitment in
general. But there is also a lack of intentionality. Sometimes it’s more of
one than the other, but both commitment and intentionality need to be present if
the marriage is to survive – a willingness of both parties to commit to the
marriage and to be intentional about giving the marriage priority over the
individual.
I have often told couples who come
to me for marriage that the best thing they can do for their children is to
maintain a strong and healthy marriage. That can only happen if they submit to
one another. But this text is making me wonder if the best gift we can give our
children is to model what it means to be good children – by paying attention to
“our Father in heaven” and honestly joining in the prayer, “thy will be done.”
None of us are perfect. We are
neither perfect spouses nor perfect parents, nor are we perfect children. When
it comes to acknowledging God as a parent, we all “want to do our own thing.”
And that can easily pass as a definition of sin.
We all sin.
Sin leads to separation from God,
from one another, and often causes our own internal struggles as well. It’s sin
that leads to divorce. And it is sin that leads to poor parenting.
The only answer to both is
forgiveness. Fortunately, God forgives our sin.
One of the most powerful reminders
we have of that forgiveness is communion. And today, as we celebrate World
Communion Sunday, I like to hold out the hope that in being forgiven we will
find ways to reach out our hands to Christians around the globe as we offer
forgiveness to one another.
Thanks be to God. Amen
