Is There A Plan B After Divorce?
sermon based on Matthew 5:27-32
by Dr. David Rogne

Recently in my favorite comic strip, "B.C.", a woman comes to the sayings merchant and asks, "What can I say to a dear friend who's just gone through a painful divorce?" The sayings merchant quotes, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." To which the woman responds, "What can I say without sounding like a complete idiot?"

And that is the way it is with us when we try to share the pain of a friend's divorce. Often, we really don't know all that they are feeling, we say the wrong thing, or we bring up an old cliché. We don't know whether to express surprise or to let on that we saw it coming. No doubt a lot of listening and reflecting the feelings of our friend is the most helpful thing we can do.

Even if we do handle the interpersonal situation pretty well, there are countless other circumstances in which the divorced person feels strange: in gatherings of couples, among mutual friends, and at church.

The church, the very place where we strive to be accepting and supportive of people in distress, may seem cold and judgmental to a person going through divorce. We may insist that the church is not that way, that at its best the church is a body of understanding people who have themselves gone through trying experiences, and that the divorced person is most welcome. But it is common knowledge that the New Testament, which has delivered to us our understanding of the Christian faith, has some rather strong words to say about divorce, words which can cause a person going through the experience considerable anguish at a very vulnerable time. Indeed, on my list of things I wish Jesus had never said, his words on divorce stand near the top.

I have never heard this subject discussed from the pulpit. I suppose it has been considered more discreet to avoid it, or to speak on the more positive subject of marriage, because so many people would be made uncomfortable by such a discussion. Yet there is probably not one person here whose life has not been touched in some manner by divorce, whether our own, or that of our parents or our brothers or sisters, or our children. Therefore, it behooves us as Christian people to try to understand these difficult words of Jesus. As this is the Gospel lesson suggested for today by our lectionary, that is, our suggested Bible readings, I decided to bite the bullet and see what these words have to say to us.

The first thing I want to say is that these words of Jesus have a message for those unmarried persons who are contemplating marriage.

Part of that message is a flashing yellow light: "caution, marriage is serious." To be sure, marriage can be a source of blessings; but it can also be a source of pain.

Plutarch tells of a Roman, divorced from his wife, who was blamed by his friends for the separation. "Was she not virtuous?" "Was she not beautiful?" they asked. At which the Roman took off his shoe for them to see and asked if it were not good looking and well-made. "Yet," he added, "none of you can tell where it pinches me." None of us on the outside of a marriage, can tell what is going on on the inside. None of us is called on to be judge.

It is wise to urge caution before marriage, not because we may not get what we want in a spouse, but because we may get what we want, having wanted the wrong things.

In the musical "Fiddler on the Roof" Tevye's daughters, all of marriageable age, sing wistfully: "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match," and they recount the things he must be: young, rich and good-looking. Unfortunately, nature has made us so that we respond first to what we see, and the younger person, without much experience as to what will really be important in later years, puts too much emphasis on the most ephemeral. A little plaque I saw for sale in a souvenir store has a wise word of caution: "Kissin' don't last, cookin' do." That, too, may emphasize physical satisfaction, but it changes the focus from the immediate to the long-lasting.

The message Jesus is trying to get across in our passage is that marriage is intended to be permanent!

He was speaking to the situation in his own time. The Jews had historically held a very high ideal of marriage. It was a sacred duty to marry and have children. Ideally, Jews hated divorce. However, practice fell short of the ideal. A woman was viewed like a possession, not a person, and she was at the absolute disposal of her husband or father. She could not divorce her husband, but her husband could divorce her, often for no reason, and so leave her with no protection or means of support.

Jesus upheld the ideal that marriage is an indissoluble union, but I do not think that he was laying down a law to be forced upon society, so much as he was giving a description of God's intention for how people are to live together to maximize happiness. In a sinful world, the ideal cannot be made compulsory, for the majority of human beings have no commitment to Christ that would cause them to feel obliged to follow his ideal. What he is saying here is that the way to gain the maximum satisfaction from marriage is by staying married. Even those who have found it necessary to get a divorce will agree with that. In marriage we unite our individuality with that of another to become a new entity, a married couple. Any subsequent separation is bound to leave scars, so that divorced persons are going to feel less complete than they might have been had they had a good marriage.

But there is the rub. The ideal is a permanent union. But less-than-ideal persons get married. Persons who are immature, irresponsible, hateful, cruel, self-centered, ignorant, and petty get married, and the ideal won't fit. It doesn't destroy the ideal, but neither is that ideal to be construed as an unbreakable law so that the person who breaks it is forever thereafter a "second-class Christian." Permanent union is desirable, but not always possible.

The second thing I want to say this morning is that Jesus' words should remind those of us who are married that there are certain ingredients which cannot be overlooked if we are to have successful marriages.

Perhaps the first ingredient is respect for each other. That means calling forth the best that is in each of us, awakening what is in us by challenge. A teacher has the responsibility of calling forth what is latent in the student; a parent has the responsibility of calling forth what is potential in the child. None of us is meant to live in isolation.

Everyone of us is dependent upon others for what we become. God has set us in the midst of people. Surely he intends that the meaning of our lives should come from our associations with one another, especially from the more intimate relationship of marriage.

There is a lovely piece of poetry that goes something like this: "I love you, not simply for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you... For you are making of the discord of my life a symphony." A man discovers his masculinity in relation to a woman. A woman discovers her femininity in relation to a man.

Each of us needs someone who remembers that we are a child of God with possibilities in us which have not yet been drawn out, someone who says, "I believe in you." But this challenge to draw out the best in us must not be used in an attempt to reshape us. Respect must include reverence for what we are, as well as for what we might be. There is nothing more damaging to a marriage than the awareness that our mate is basically dissatisfied with what we are, and is attempting to make us into something more acceptable to her or to him. There is a difference between having our best brought out by love and acceptance, on the one hand, and getting the impression that love will be withheld if we do not conform to a certain standard, on the other hand. We must have respect for one another.

Perhaps the ingredient married couples forget more than any other, is time for each other. Couples with children are the most likely to overlook this. There seems to be a widely-held view that parents should give their all to their children, that they should live for their children. I think it is not good for children to have all their parents' attention, nor is it good for parents to give it. Children need a relationship with parents who continue to be good husbands and wives, because we cannot be our best as parents unless we are also responsive husbands and wives.

Some of you here have been to a Marriage Encounter weekend. As with most good ideas, we discover that the experience does not teach us something we never knew, but something we tend to overlook: the necessity for open communication. Some of us have to learn again how to say those things our spouse is longing to hear; some have to learn to say them for the first time. Family outings are important, family vacations teach us to relax and play together, but the children will profit in the long run from our taking time out to be good mates and lovers, because we are likely to be happier, healthier parents if we take time for our mates.

It must be expected that eventually our children will leave us and live their own lives. If we do not take out time for each other while raising the children, we may find that we have no marriage left when the children are gone. Attentiveness, time alone, candlelight dinners, dally compliments, the small rituals of love, careful grooming, ought to be just as much a part of married life as of courtship. Such things as these will go a long way toward helping us keep what we now have.

The third thing I want to point out this morning is that these words of Jesus certainly have something to say to the person who is divorced.

Those who have gone through a divorce do not need to be informed that staying married is the ideal. Divorced persons can accept the teaching that marriage should last for a lifetime, for they, more than anyone else, know the hurt involved when it doesn't. They know the insecurity, the guilt, the loneliness, the sense of having lost out in something important. It becomes abundantly clear that a lifetime union is desirable, not simply from God's point of view, but for our own happiness.

Some people take comfort from the fact that, according to Matthew, Jesus did make an exception, and excuse divorce on the ground of unfaithfulness.

Personally, I do not think he made such an exception. The same passage recorded in Mark, which was written earlier than Matthew, leaves it out. It would appear that some early church scribe could not stand the severity of Jesus' words and added the exception to soften them. Subsequently, volumes have been written to define and interpret what constitutes unfaithfulness. Time is spent justifying one party by condemning another, because someone has to be found guilty. Church trials are held so that people who cannot be divorced can get an annulment, which amounts to divorce by another name, pretending that the marriage never existed.

The whole thrust of Jesus' teaching was to combat such meticulous legalism! He was not interested in enumerating exceptions, but in stating very clearly that God intends our happiness, and to that end, ideally, marriage ought to be for a lifetime.

But, alas, the conditions for a continued union do fail: a mate may give himself or herself to another or, there is great cruelty, or physical abuse or, there is desertion. In marriage we say, "Till death do us part," but love can die, respect can die, hope can die, marriage can die.

The question then is no longer, "What is the ideal?" but rather, "What is the best choice left for all involved: to continue life together, perhaps causing greater damage, or to separate. If one partner has never known restraint, or has abandoned all responsibility, the other partner has little choice but to build a new life on his or her own, and divorce may be the only solution which can be found.

Still, how are we to deal with these difficult words about remarriage?  In terms of the ideal of the will of God, a second marriage ought not to take place, for in terms of the ideal, the divorce ought not to have occurred. That means that the first marriage ought not to have failed. But since the first marriage has failed, it is no longer a question of living up to the ideal; that possibility is gone. The question then becomes, "Does it best fit the plan of God for this person to go through life single, or as a spouse and parent?"

In humility over inability any longer to fulfill the ideal, and in sincere repentance over one's own responsibility for the first failure, I think a Christian is free to choose the better of two less-than-ideal situations.

We are told that remarriage constitutes adultery, because the person is, in fact, violating the vows exchanged with the first spouse.  This is stated strongly by Jesus to keep the doors as open as possible for reconciliation and to show how serious marriage vows are intended to be. I would not detract from that seriousness. But the Scriptures also make strong statements on other subjects which we do not take literally: "If your hand offends you, cut it off;" (Matthew 18:8)" If your eye offends you pluck it out," (Matthew 18:9)" Sell all your goods and give to the poor." (Matthew 19:21) These sayings are called hyperbole, sayings in which the language is heightened for dramatic effect. Moreover, the Scriptures say, "Do not lie." "Do not steal." "Do not envy." "Do not worship what is not God. "(Exodus 20:4ff) We are all guilty of having broken these and other commandments. How, then, do any of us hope to escape judgment?

The only solution I know is repentance: confession of our limitations and inability to do the right, even when we know it, and calling on God for forgiveness. Surely, divorce cannot be less forgivable than some of the other things for which we are accountable. Remarriage, though it may hurt someone greatly and effectively bar chances of reconciliation, must also be within the purview of God's forgiveness, when we acknowledge our responsibility and confess our inability to have handled it any other way. Yes, there is a plan B after divorce and God's grace makes it possible!

God is not ultimately defeated by what we do. God is always at work seeking to restore what is broken, seeking to reconcile those who are at odds with each other, seeking to bring good out of unhappy circumstances. Successful marriage is a witness to the goodness of God's plan. Successful marriage, after the failure of the first, is also a witness to the power of God, who can make all things new, even sinners, like me and you. Amen.